po-po-po-poker face....

loving this....loving her...

as like...

I meant to write….
But I got lost somewhere :D

Random thought: I think people were born mean. Like they were born proud, like they were born with power and authority, like they are just simply mean *shrugs*
mean…mean…mean…
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Visiting memory lane, when I was studying, I drag each day hoping I can finish my studies as fast as I can so I can work and start to earn. And now that I am working, I wanted to go back being a student. It’s weird, isn’t it? Not because of anything but it just gets tiring by the day. I am not complaining, don’t get me wrong. I love what I am doing, and I wish I can know more and I can be successful in this. There are just days you want to stop and not care but even that I can’t do. It’s not like I can chose not to attend a single class in school if I don’t feel like it or if I just want to hang around with my lazy friends :D When one works, she really has to work. If not, you’ll just meet the “dead of you”.

I think I just got a new tag for myself – “the dead of me”
mmm…. :D

I am just bragging.
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My home and office desktop…

Yes, I was one of those who spent hours knowing what happened and what’s going to happen…I spent hours and stayed up until 430am during the memorial, spent a few bucks on reads and some timeless issues of magazines and newspapers. I am keeping some in the office. I had been listening to the collections eversince. I played them everywhere, I played them on a high volume when I am reading articles about him. I was one of the, if not millions, billions of people who contributed the internet to stop for awhile wanting to know more on the day itself.
I was an avid fan….I am still. My sister used to teach me the steps which I couldn’t get until now…she lost her patience teaching me the moves. Nevertheless, I still feel jumpy and ‘dancy’ when I listen to his songs. He’s like a part of our lives, from childhood. And losing him is like losing a part of my childhood - as agreed and quoted a japanese local who was interviewed on the streets of tokyo on 25 June 2009. It’s sad…but it had to happen. Left with good music and great contributions in my daily life…I think it’s worth the tears.

equation

activities = presentations = sales

an equation i learnt, an equation which makes a lot of sense to me...in any aspect, not just at work.

littlest things...

"you are the dead of me"

picture in my head: it's like i am watching a suspense movie and i get goose bumps by this line.... :D

if i am to take this seriously, i'd be depressed. but if i am to look at the brighter side of it, it's a challenge. i often hear this at work, particularly being said to me...right smack in my face. seriously, i am starting to get depressed by all there are at work right now. although i wanted to think that that's the way they are pushing me. but hey! give me some credit here, you put me somewhere i was blind folded, thrown to gods of complaints and negativity, and silently asked me to clean up the entire mess. it's like killing me sweetly. i wanted to, somehow, prove that i can still make it and i can still put this team up...leveled to what they expect of me.

i was thinking lately why was i here? i thought before that i must have done something good or right. but right now, i feel otherwise. it's funny and ironic. things don't seem to be in my way lately...in any aspect. and yeah, you can't have both worlds. but i figured, once all these are over, i am better :)

sometimes it's funny how people and circumstances play with you. i don't like it when you get so kind and thoughtful, care free of what others will think and say...all the more you will get something bad in return. was it really my fault? am i being punished? i mean, give me a little help here.

i've been to so many places in life...and right now, i am starting to feel helpless. when you want so much to work and you'd find ways to get thru it. it's sad to feel when there's nothing much you can do. you just want to get out from it. tsk! it's hard....

i was talking to oinky last weekend and we were trying to analyze things as they are. i still have little blessings, for what it's worth.

ear addiction: i'm making eyes at you - black kids

memory lane

i am reading this to keep my sanity...

***

i am trying to unravel the night i learnt my dad passed away. mmmm...i knew i had an urge to call everybody back home. until just before i get my phone, my sister was calling me to tell me the news. i felt the blood rush.

well, it's been years since i haven't heard from my dad...years since i haven't seen him. and i figured what difference would it make when he passed away. nothing maybe. and i guess it's the thought that he's no longer there and he can no longer be there. i'm just ranting and i could go on and on and i'd rather not.

i said this because i was talking to my boss this afternoon when she received a call from her father-in-law who's arranging something for his own surgery for cancer. she started telling me how her life was. and it was far from what i can see from her. she's bubbly, happy, cool. and she always makes my morning when i hear her laugh. she can laugh about anything and everything but when it's time to wok, you seriously have to work. and so i started to go down memory lane. it's like i was pulled back, in a ray of light, to wherest i was before and how was it like.

life is tough. but when there is love, you can do almost anything and everything. but there's an end to everything also. and only you can tell if you've done what you had to do.

i was talking to one of my ADEs last night and to my surprise she was starting to confide in me. i was thinking like, ok this person needs someone to talk to. doesn't she have friends? only to find out most her friends gave up on her. anyway, i told her the same thing - that only you can know and say "it's enough". and then you'd stop.

***

i do not know but somehow, there's pang in my chest for the past few days. and i wish it'd go away. because it makes me want to cry. it's painful.

*gutom lang to!! hahaha! :D*

a holy slap

i decided to go to church...
i felt good :)

it is amazing how God works everytime..i meant e-v-e-r-y-t-i-m-e.
so today, He worked in me. and to my surprise, this was the gospel:

"love each other as I have loved you. greater love has no one than this, that He lay down his life for his friends..." ~ John 15:12-13

i have not heard or read this for a while. i think He was just tying to slap me again and asking me to go back to my senses :p nevertheless, it was holy...and peaceful

still ambitious

i got accustomed of seeing you...i got accustomed of peaking at your face especially when you start to pout...i got accustomed [somehow] of your face, especially when you frown even during good times...i got accustomed of your hands.

and so...i woke up with a growl in my stomach. i thought my monster pet in my tummy was waking me up asking for food. i cooked. i did. and i got too ambitious. i wonder how am i be able to finish a casserole of rice. i am not exaggerating. tsk! this is bad.

i do not know how many times i've watched this today. it's hilarious...at least, to me *shrugs*

uneasy on a sunday morning

it is awkward...
i am constrained by the idea and the f-a-c-t that you are not here O_O
i didn't know until now.
i thought i was only having some air in my head and i felt like i was floating because i haven't slept...i stood corrected.

i was being ambitious. i meant to tidy this place, i swear. i did though...after spending hours staring into space O_O